Actually when it throws you more than just ONE curve ball, try like 12 all at once, super fast and HARD. That title may give the impression that this is a game, I can assure you it is far from a game. Seven months ago I lost my Dad, my hero, a little girl’s first love… I posted about some of my feelings here. That post was about how much life can really suck at times and how I try to always find gratitude, in a moment, in a colour in anything really, anything that makes you feel a touch of peace in your heart and soul.
You know when you have a horrible dream… that feeling of waking up in such dread and sadness, a real nightmare? Once you get your bearings of being awake that overwhelming feeling that washes over you, relief, fear (why would I dream something like that) the realness of your cozy bed provides comfort as you lay back down to think on why your brain would even go there? Quickly though as the day takes over, that bad, horrific dream fades into the others that came before it.
I wish with all of my might that this was only a bad dream.
The last 7 months have been a struggle, one of grief and trying very hard to center my life, searching for balance and gratitude. Life is HUGE and doesn’t always leave room for gratitude, not unless you look for it, search it out, dig for it and fight for it through the fog that is life.
And then, life strikes again, one month ago, I lost… correction, WE lost our family’s matriarch. My best friend, the lady who sacrificed everything so her family would never do without… my Mom passed away in her sleep on July 5th. How could that be? She was just at our home for a lengthy and a wonderful memory filled visit. She was on her way back to Newfoundland when she left this earth. She celebrated her 72nd birthday with us and carefully took her candles off of her cake to save, how could THAT have been her last birthday? When my brother called me to tell me Mom was gone, all air left my body. I could not (still can not) believe she is gone, the last month of my life has been a blur, sometimes surfacing to feel that grief, but mostly I can’t really remember all of the details of the past month, I’ve been on auto pilot.
Everyone’s Mom is special, that is a true statement! My Mother though was like no other person I have ever known. She was the guiding light for our family, she NEVER put herself before anyone, she was a special, giving and kind soul. I believe my Mom died of a broken heart, her and my Father were truly one. We laid her to rest on July 16th, exactly 6 months to the day that Dad passed. And now I am having to fight harder to find my grateful moments… but I am finding them.
We had 2 celebrations of Mom’s life, one where she passed in NB at her sister’s home… all of her brothers and sisters were able to attend, I have gratitude for that because they would not all be able to have come to Newfoundland. Even in death my Mother somehow is making it so no one is put out and their needs are met first. My brother and I then took Mom back to the island, Newfoundland to be with her love, our Dad.
If you choose to look for peace, you will find it. The scenery in Newfoundland was breathtaking, comforting, awe inspiring, it was my therapy…
My brother and I were so touched by the outpouring of support and love from our parent’s wonderful community of Botwood, Newfoundland, it was overwhelming and very comforting! Gratitude… while exploring this stunning place I found comfort and peace and I found my parents everywhere.
The rugged beauty of this beautiful place.
The moody weather and the patina on this building had me obsessed… my brain stopped thinking and I was just in the moment. If you choose to look for peace, you will find it.
There were brighter days too… but one thing was always the same, beauty, contrast and peace, much needed peace.
I am home now, with my own family, every day is a reminder of what we’ve lost in the last year, but it is also a reminder of what we have, today. I am so very grateful that my parents are now together and have left me filled with pride, of the people they were, they have left me with so many wonderful memories and this will provide comfort in the days when it’s harder to find that gratitude. The Inukshuk pictured above… reminded me yet again, if I just open my mind and heart I will see my parents everywhere and know in my soul that they go before me, to show me the way.